Hip Hip Hooray for Christmas Vacation
by WintersGoddess1983
Summary: "Hey who the hell is the Grim Reaper around here?" he called into the house. "I borrowed it from Steve!" T'Challa answers "What the hell is Steve doing with a scythe? Who keeps shit like this in New York...Our neighbors are weird."
1. O'Christmas Tree

They were driving through the rolling hills of upstate New York. Snow capped mountains in the distance and white tipped pines as far as he could see. The heat in his little S5 was cranked up to the max. He probably should have brought his husbands car but he just didn't like the feel of T'Challas gas guzzler.

Why his husband wanted a big truck he would never know, he liked smaller cars himself. They were just more practical. Maybe T'Challa just wanted more room to haul around their 2 kids and all their crap. God knows all of them in the little 2 door Audi was a tight fit. Peter and Wade were practically sitting on each other back there. He let his mind wander a bit as he drove, thinking about some work he needed to finish before Christmas so Pepper wouldn't gut him like a fish.

Sometimes, he thought, owning your own tech company was a major hassel. But it made a good life for his family.

"Dad, can you tell us again where we're going?" Peter asked.

"We're kicking off our fun, Christmas season by heading out to the boonies in the old front-wheel drive Audi to embrace the horriffic death filled winter highways and select that most important of Christmas traditions." Tony replied back.

"Which hotel Grandpa Howard is staying in?" Peter asked.

Tony huffed, "No after he got ringworms from the last one the old bastard refuses to stay in one now.."

"We're not driving way out here so you can get one of those stupid Christmas sweaters, are we, Dad?" Wade asked him in a bored voice.

"No, I have ten of those at home." Tony said, annoyed, "Stop buying them for me."

"What we're looking for today is the Stark family Christmas tree." Tony stated enthused.

"We should have brought my car," T'Challa told him, "Where, exactly do you plan on sticking this tree?"

"Up your ass if you keep bitchin about your car!" T'Challa rolled his eyes.

"I'm not going to be the one lying on top of the car trying to hold it down this year because you forgot the rope again.." T'Challa said.

"Don't worry.. I remembered everything this time."

"Hmmm, did you turn the stove off?"

"Uuuhh, yeeesss..."

 _"Tony!"_

 **"Already taken care of Boss!"** FRIDAY, his AI, told him through the cars speakers

Tony stuck his tongue out at his husband. T'Challa smirked and with lightning fast reflexes snatched it between his fingers

"Ooooow! Vat vuts vavy.. et it o..."

"Oh God" Peter moaned from the back.

They kept driving, they weren't to far from the tree farm. He noticed a large rusty truck coming up behind him pretty fast. It came right up on his back bumper, he could see two hillbilly looking dudes laughing in his mirror.

"Dickheads.." He muttered under his breath.

"What's the matter now?" T'Challa asked

"Some country hillbilly buttlicker is riding my ass."

"We're in New York, not North Dakota. You can't really call them hillbillies. Slow down and let him go by."

"Nah, not my style babe." he grinned.

He slowed down enough for the truck to start to pass, but when they got side by side he hit the gas. He liked going fast anyway.

"Let's race you bumpkins!" He shouted.

"Please do not provoke them." T'Challa said tiredly.

"Hey, kids. Look, a hooker in the snow!"

While they had their heads turned he flipped the hillbillies off and mouthed a "Fuck you dippshits" at them.

They sped up more, but so did he.

"Tony! Slow down!"

"You want to ride behind somebody who drives like that?"

"I wouldn't talk if I were you, your driving isn't much better," smiled T'Challa.

"Why did I marry you again? I get nothing but disrespect from you." he teased back

"Because I have a big..." T'Challa started

"OK! I'm just going to pull around them, eat my rubber cockheads."

"Did you just tell them to eat a condom?" T'Challa asked. "I know I have never learned all your American sayings, but that is new to me."

"Dad, I think what you mean eat my dust." Peter told him.

"Whatever, Petey. Let Daddy handle it. I know what I'm doing."

He floored it. Speeding past, T'Challa and the kids flew back against their seats.

"Eat my shit, clodhoppers! HA HA!" he yelled as he past.

T'Challa slid down in his seat, clearly embarrassed. Oh well. He knew what Tony was like when he married him 15 years ago.

"There we go. We showed those billies, didn't we? Hey! Speaking of Christmas can you tell me what you want the old Fat Man to bring you this year?"

"A lifetime supply of anxiety medicine.." T'Challa stated weakly.

"Ass..."

He continued on his drive, taking in the scenery. Nice, but he'd rather be near the city.

"Uh Dad. They're back again."

Tony looked in his mirror. Son of a bitch. The truck was about to pass him again. How did that old clunker go so fast. Fuck it, he thought, I'll show em who the speed steed is.

He floored his Audi prepared to go around. He should have checked back in his mirror. He would have seen the semi coming up to pass.

" Tony, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead. My sister will be very unhappy."

"Honey, please. I'll do the driving, okay? I'm in totally in control."

"If you say so.."

"I'll get us around this cocksucker." He whipped the wheel left, and took them right underneath a semi truck. The wheels of the thing were bigger than his car.

His eyes widened comically. "Huh, I thought this only happened in Vin Diesel movies"

" _Oh my God! Tony!_ What the hell we're stuck under a fucking truck!"

" Yes dear, I can see that. Totally cool. I totally had this planned. It's all good, see we're almost around the pig farmers."

"Love a duck, can you be serious about anything?"

"...No...?"

"TONY!"

"I hope we don't pop a tire while we're under here." Wade said

"Not helping here Wade!" Tony said as mud and debris from the truck coated the windshield.

"Us.. I hope the big rig doesn't pop a tire. Is this our Final Destanation?" Peter asked.

"PETER!" Tony exclaimed.

"Dear Bast, who runs with panthers...hallowed be Thy name. Please forgive my idiot husband. He knows not what he does." T'Challa prayed.

"AMEN!"

He whipped the wheel right , pulling them toward a huge snowpile.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!"

The car flew over at full speed, almost clipping a snowplow. Right into the tree lot. He slammed the brakes, taking out 3 trees and a Christmas banner as he came to a stop. Some old bat with a feathered hat flipped him the bird.

Glancing back he saw the kids were tossed all over the car. Wades feet were up in the back window and Petes were spread out on each side of the front seats.

"Hey, look! We're here. We made good time." he smiled.

"I hate you.." T'Challa said..

"Dad, what was the point in going to the Christmas tree lots if we're just going to trek out in the woods for a tree?" Peter asked him

"Most people, they're satisfied with scrawny, half dead trees with no character. But us we're going to get the best fucking tree you will ever see. Grown out in the wild blue yonder, untouched by man."

"I can tell you what else won't be touched by man," T'Challa whispered to him. "You, never again. Because I believe my dick has frozen off..."

"My toes are numb. I can't feel my ass. Papa, I can't feel my ass." Wade stuttered.

"Tony?"

"Yea babe?"

"Wade can't feel his ass."

"Perfectly normal, nothing to worry about. No one ever gets frostbite on their ass. You'll be fine kiddo. All part of the Christmas adventure."

He looks around the forest. Damn that a lot of trees, he thought. Then he saw it. A little off to itself basking in a ray of sunlight.

"There she is. Look at her, just beautiful, just waiting to be claimed like a hooker on Friday night."

 _"TONY!"_

"Why didn't we just use the pine tree in our front yard?" Wade asked. "Then we wouldn't be standing out here, in the middle of nowhere, in negative temps like a bunch of fucking morons."

" _Wade_ , watch the language." T'Challa told him

"Flick my balls.."

"Tony, talk to him."

"Listen to your Papa, Wade." He said distracted. Looking at his prize in glory.

"Um, Dad?"

"Yeah Pete?"

"Did you bring a saw. Or an axe? Maybe a shovel?"

"...Mother fucker..."

 _"TONY!"_

They all ended up digging the huge monster tree out with their hands, then manhandled it back to the car. The owners of the tree lot taking pictures of their misfortune.

He did manage to wheedle some rope out of the old bastard after he had stopped laughing at him. The damn thing was so big he drove home with his head hanging out the window Ace Ventura style. The weight of the monster making the little Audi scrape the highway as he drove.

Fuck Yeah.. Like a Boss


	2. O'come all ye, Crazy ass Family

The drive back to White Plains seemed to take forever. His neck was tired from hanging out the window and he could already see a shitload of sap running down his car. He'd have to invent some kind of super solvent to get that shit off.

Bug n Tar wasnt gonna cut it. He didn't care, as he pulled in the drive of their suburban home he could already see it all in his head. The entire house covered with blinding red and gold lights, the big tree in the front window.

"Why don't you guys go on in and make room for this baby." he told them, "I'm gonna find a saw and get this crap cut off the bottom."

"Do you need me to help you?" T'Challa asked.

"Nah, I got this. How hard could it be?"

"Hmmm.. You said the same thing when you tried using the vaccum cleaner. Remember? When you set the carpet on fire and the vaccum somehow managed to take flight right through the TV and the front room window.." T'Challa put his hands on his hips.

"For the last time, I didn't know it didn't move on it's own! I thought they were smarter! If I had known, I wouldn't have left it running for six hours!"

 _"It was a vacuum!_ They have no intelligence, it sucks up dirt!Urrrrghhh, you're impossible. I swear!" T'Challa stomped into the house.

"Love you too!"Tony called.

He looked around trying to find what shit he would need. He found an old chainsaw in the back of the garage buried behind a stack of boxes. Curious as to what was in it, he peeked in. It was full of unopened gifts. He pulled the top one out.

"Merry Christmas 2000, Love Uncle Nick & Aunt Maria." he read to himself. "Shit, where did this come from?"

He opened the package, the stench hitting him full force in the face.

 _"Fuuuuuuuck."_

God what was this. God it was rank. You'd think after 16 years in a box the smell would be gone, but nope, whatever concoction Auntie M cooked up apparently only got worse as it got older..

Shit was it moving. Yep, that's definitely a jiggle... He gagged, his eyes were starting to water. He needed to get rid of this thing. It could start the zombie apocolypse and he didn't want that on his conscience. Shit why was there no trash can in here.

He bolted out of the garage, bad idea. Apparently really cold air made the zombie virus sizzle. Shit it was smoking!

"Where the fuck are the trash cans!" he yelled _"Hot! Hot, hot, hot! Oww!"_

Not seeing a can in sight he did the next best thing. He tossed it into Steve and Buckys yard. It landed in a bush with a green explosive splat..

"There we go. no harm done." He went in to wash his hands before heading back to the garage.

"Kay, here we go. Saw=check. Gloves=check. Goggles= Where the hell are my goggles?"

Eh. if he couldn't find them he'd just wear one of the kids Halloween masks with eye covers. He looked everywhere, nearly decapitated himself on a scythe of all things. Who the hell owned a scythe in New York?

"Hey who the hell is the Grim Reaper around here?" he called into the house.

"I borrowed it from Steve!" T'Challa answers, "Remember a few years ago when you said you'd fix the mower?"

"...No..."

"I figured you didn't. I use it to cut grass. It's a pretty good workout."

"Are you serious?"

"You told me not to buy a new mower, that you would fix it, and never did. I had to use something.. Although, I suppose I could let it grown up to your ass. We could be the new rednecks in the neighborhood!"

"Nah, Bucky has that title ever since he wore those boots and leather chaps to our Independence Day barbecue two summers ago".

T'Challa peeked his head in the door.

"..."

"What, Tony?"

" _What the hell is Steve doing with a scythe_!? Who keeps shit like this in New York...Our neighbors are weird."

Steve Rogers pulled into his drive and glanced over at the house next door. What the hell was Tony up to now..

"Oh my God. Buck look at this." he pointed.

"Holy shit.. Where the hell did he get that thing. Why didn't he just cut down that big pine between our houses?" Bucky asked.

"Who knows. I think there is something wrong with that man. I mean some of the things he does... Remember that robot he made that kept coming to our door singing that Pinocchio song. Or the time he locked himself out naked and hid out on OUR porch til T'Challa got home. Sometimes I could kill him.."

"Don't forget the time he was shit faced drunk and pissed all around our house "claiming" his territory," Bucky paused, "You know, you guys used to be best friends way back when. Maybe you could try to be nice to him again cause I miss those fucking July 4th cookouts.."

"Please don't remind me of that one. He pissed through the dog door... And no, I'm not sacrificing my sanity so you can eat ribs. I'll take you to a steakhouse."

Bucky grumbled at him.

"He's in the garage, let's get inside before he sees us." Bucky said.

"Probably to late for that."

They got out and tried to book it inside but Stark came out of the garage revving up a chainsaw and wearing a Batman mask.

"Is he wearing a Batman mask?" Buck asked.

"God, the mans an weirdo." he said sourly.

"Hey Stark!" he called, "What are you gonna do with a tree that big?"

"Bend over and I'll show you." Stark smiled.

"You're an asshole. You can't just talk to me like that!" Steve yelled back at him.

"I wasn't talking to you Steve-o. Hey there Bucky!" He said seductively, then he revved it up more and set to work.

"Hi Tony." Bucky crooned.

"Son of a..."

"Let it go, Steve, just let it go." Buck said, "Let's just go in and unwind, babe."

"Fine, fine... Hey Buck.."

"Hmmm?"

"Why is our shrub on fire?"

It looked pretty damn good, Tony thought. He'd had to tie all the branches flat to get it in the door, but he knew as soon as he cut off that rope this baby would shine.

"Yo Dad! Do you think there's enough room for the star?

"Sure, Wade. I have a little more trimming to do, but it'll fit, I promise. Ready?"

"Please. Bast, do not let him break anything this time.." T'Challa whispered.

"Now when have I ever broken something?"

They all gave him the fish eye...

"Nevermind.. I give you the Stark family Christmas tree." with that he clipped the rope.

Branches flew out in every direction. Most of them going right through the front room window.. Wood splintered and the glass shattered. The top of the tree shot a hole right into the ceiling.

" _Shit.."_ T'Challa cursed, "That better not be in our bedroom, Tony!"

"OW, my eye!" Peter cried.

"It broke my balls!" Wade whimpered.

"Tony? Where are you?"

There was a knock at the door. Wade went to open it to reveal a scratched and sticky Tony, who had blown out the window with the tree.

"I'm good, right here. There's a lot of fucking sap in here. It looks great. A little full. A lot of fucking sap. Wade, get a broom."

Upstairs in the bathroom T'Challa was trying to help him get his clothes off. The sap from the tree had literally glued pieces of fabric to Tony's skin. He'd ended up cutting most of it off him but there were little bits and pieces stuck all over him..

"Did I tell you I talked to my father today? He and Shuri decided they're coming for the holidays, too. It's not too late to change our plans, we can still go to Hawaii." T'Challa said, "Or better yet, the moon!"

"No, no, are you kidding, that's great. It will be so much fun. The big family shindig I always wanted. Ouch! Easy there hun, I think you just scraped the bone.."

"Then stop squirming. Sweetheart, I think you're forgetting how horrible it's going be...having everybody in the house at the same time. My father and your's, together. It's a disaster in the making." T'Challa grimaced.

"They're our families, not some freakshow off the street. Jarvis will be here too. And Peggy, but she'll be at Maleficents nextdoor most of the time."

"I wish you two could just be friends again.. And all they ever do is fight with each other."

"Eh. You got to admit it is pretty funny watching your dad and Aunt Pegs. go at it, HE HE." Tony laughed.

"Fine." T'Challa smiled, "I'll give you that one, but they are going to make us all crazy. A whole week. In the house.. Together.."

"Weeeelll..I may have forgot to tell you someone else will be coming.."

"What..."

"I may have invited Thor and Jane..."

"Oh shit. And you couldn't have told me EARLIER!"

"Oopsy.. They're bringing Loki.."

"Tony!"

"I know. But I want to have Christmas here, in our house. It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas. And now I have the chance and by God I am going to do it!"

"It's just that you build these things up in your head, Starky. You set these unreachable standards no family event can ever live up to."

"Name one time when have I ever done that?"

"Just one. Well lets see. How about that vacation we took a few years back. You know the one where you wanted to drive us across the country to see DisneyLand."

"It wasn't that bad..."

"Wasn't that bad...Your Aunt Angie died in the car on the way there. Jarvis nearly died from starvation, Howard caught the clap. Peggy beat up four men twice her size. We got lost in the middle of the desert, I was arrested for indecent exposure and the car smelled horrible for weeks after we got home! Oh, and don't forget Wade, who was 14, picked up a hooker and Peter who managed to get left behind in Vegas and starred in a circus act!"

"...Ok." Tony said. "In my defense that could happend to anyone. And Peter was really good, he swung around that arena like a spider on a web!"

T'Challa tossed the pliers he was using to peel the cloth scraps from Tony's back, "I give up! You're impossible!"


	3. And the Vacation Begins

Ahh, his last day of work for the next two weeks. No designing, no junior R&D tech asking him a million questions, and best of all no Pepper Potts nagging him to come to his meetings. No meetings for 2 whole weeks!

God he loved this about the holidays.

He was never much of a celebrator growing up, but latley as he was getting older he just wanted to see what all the shit was about. So about the time he and T'Challa met, he'd started celebrating Christmas. And this was the first time in 15 years their entire family would be together.

Howard's idea of celebrating any holiday was to fly off to some foreign country or work his ass all holiday long. Old bastard, he thought, the man had never had any fun in his entire miserable life. Fun meant slacking, and Howard would never tolerate laziness.

But Tony couldn't help but notice how the past few years old Howard had mellowed out. He started spending more time with Tony and his grandkids. Well, if coming to their house and falling asleep everywhere with his hand stuck down his pants counted as spending time. Eh, he tried, that's all that mattered.

He sighed and poured a little cream into his coffee mug. T'Challa had given it to him his last birthday. It was shaped like a cat and on the backside it read, "I Do What I Want". Fuck yeah he did, why would any one not do what they wanted to. He spotted his buddy Bruce, his science and tech bro coming toward him.

"Hey Bruciebear, how's it going. Ready for some sciencing Dr.? I totally promise I wont put super glue on your stool this time."

"That was you?"

"... I plead the fifth.."

"I was on that thing for hours, Tony. _Hours.._ "

"How did you get off that by the way. Tech said you flipped out and then rammed the stool, which was still attached to your ass, through the wall.." he paused, "Remind me not to piss you off again."

"Screw you Tony! I had to walk around almost completely naked til Betty brought me new pants. .And underwear..."

"Holy shit you were naked! How the hell did I miss that." Tony gawked.

"Like you could handle seeing all this." Bruce gestured about himself.

"Come on Bruce, you've seen my husband, I can handle anything!"

"Moving into ( I don't need to know) territory, Tony."

"Come on! You know how many times I've told you how big his d..."

 _"TONY!"_

"Dick. Huge dick. We're talking like, half my arm span here Brucie!"

"Tony please..."

"It's like being fucked by a baseball bat!"

" _Tony! ENOUGH_! Jesus.. I just wanted to come ask you if the bonuses were ready yet? I'm buying a house for me and Betty and I need to get it deposited so my check won't bounce."

"Pepper handled the bonuses this year. That's why I made her CEO. You know I hate dealing with all that shit. Too much damn paperwork. And speak of the devil, here she comes now, with her entourage of old fuckers on the board who wouldn't know decent tech if you shoved it right up their ass..."

"Pepperpot, light of my life, can we get this shit show over with so I can go home. There's to much old fogey in the room right now, it might be contagious. You know I can't get sick, T'Challa will stick me out in the garage. He says I whine, I don't whine. I drink wine. Lots of wine. But me, a whiner, fuck no."

"Be nice Tony. These people help us keep your company on top."

"Psssssss. The only thing they're on top of is a prostitute from Brooklyn.."

 _"TONY!''_

"Hey Pep, you get the bonuses worked out this year?"

"Yes Tony, they'll arrive in the mail before can we please get started?" she made her way into the conference room.

"Bruce I gotta go. You heard her right? Before Christmas."

"Got it. Thanks Tony."

He moved to let the board members enter before him. Damn he hated these coots. Hmmm, maybe he should give them all a little Holiday greeting.

"Fuck you. Fuck you. Kiss my ass. Eat shit. Fuck you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Happy Ramadan."

"I'm Korean.." the man said.

"..."

"Eh.. All relative. Now let's get this shit over with."

"PETER!"

"Right here Dad."

"Huh, didn't see you there. Did you check all these lights while I was at work?"

"Yup." he said. popping the p at the end."Do we really need all these?"

"Fuck if I know. I've never actually strung lights outside before. Okay, lets get started, you can go get santa and his reindeer and bring them out to the lawn. I'll be on the roof."

"Are you sure you know what your doing?"

"Please, I'm a genius. How hard could this be?"

"AAAAAARRRRRRRR"

He'd been doing pretty good. He made it all the way to the bottom part of the roof, when he somehow manage to staple his fucking pant leg to the fucking shingles.. He had tried ripping it out but ended up losing his balance and sliding face first to the edge like a fat kid on a water slide.

He grabbed on to the gutter to keep his ass from flying all the way to the bottom. He could see the ladder just a few feet away. If he could just scooch his way over there...So close. But apparently T'Challa's cooking had made him just a tad bit heavier here in his old age. The gutter creaked and bent. Then gave way witha clang, shooting a large piece of ice straight out and through Steve and Buckys window.

"HA! Serves you right you cobb knobblers!"

"Oh shit.. _No, no, no, no, no_! _Aaaaaaaahhhhhh_ " he screamed as he fell down to the bushes below. He just layed for a moment staring at the sky. Wondering what he'd gotten himself into. "Fuck it. I'll finish the rest tomorrow.."

T'Challa opened the front door. "Tony, dinner is ready."

"Okay, babe. I'll be right there."

"Why are you inside the bush?"

"HA! I haven't been inside a bush in years!"

T'Challa just sighed, he was in for a very long week.

"Well something had to break the window and smash the TV." Steve said.

"There's nothing here, Steve, we looked everywhere." Buck sighed. He looked at the floor. "And why is the carpet all wet Steve?"

"I don't _know_ Bucky!" he said, like the asshat he was.

He glanced at the window. Working out the aim of the hole with the house next door.

"STARK! YOU COCKWHORE MOTHERFUCKER!" he screamed.

 _"STEVE!"_


	4. Seven Swans a Screaming

"Soooo, are we supposed to pick them up at the airport, or? I'm lost, what are we doing?" Tony asked as he stapled the last strands of red lights around the window. This was the first time he'd ever hung lights outside, and he really had no idea what he was doing.

At first he was going to buy the lights but none met up to his high standards, so he designed his own. Completely water and weather resistant and bright as the freaking sun. All powered by his little clean energy project he was currently testing on his own home. He hoped soon to be able to mass market it to homes around the globe.

This final test during the holiday season was the final stretch. Two hundred thousand twinkling Christmas lights, an epic light show that danced along to Bob Rivers 'I Am Santa Clause' and a robotic Santa and reindeer Pete had hauled up from his workshop.

"No, thank Bast! Do you know how long the wait is at LaGuardia? Shuri texted me. They landed well over six hours ago and only just cleared customs. Which was mainly because of our parents stupidity. They managed to meet up with Howard somehow, and according to Shuri, father has accused Howard of stalking him and trying to steal vibranium from Wakanda, _again_ , then a fight ensued. They've been held up by Homeland Security since. Oh, and fair warning, during their strip search it was discovered Howard has crabs." T'Challa gave Tony a dark, dark look.

"Mother of God.. Again?!" Tony shivered, nearly stapling his finger to the wall again, "That's like the tenth time! He's sleeping in Wade's room this year. Maybe the haze of weed floating in there will kill them out."

"Well I am not doing his laundry, the last time I did my hands broke out in hives. And Shuri has made it clear if she so much as sees a bug in the house she will burn it down." T'Challa looked longingly at the car, "We still have time to get the hell out of here! Forget all about this and flee to England."

Tony chuckled, "No can do. We are staying here and celebrating Christmas. At least Thor won't be here til tomorrow. He called last night, they're driving Jane's RV cross country to get here.."

"I can only imaging how poor Jane feels. If I were stuck with you that long I'd go-"

Tony cut him off with a miffed look.

His phone pinged, **"Boss, you have a message from Mr. Jarvis."**

He loved the little AI he created, he rarely had to do anything with her around. "Lay it on me Fri."

 **"He and Ms. Carter have arrived. They have also met up with Howard and all the other's. They have boarded a shuttle and should be here within the hour."**

T'Challa looked sick, "Please Tony, I'm begging you! A week! An entire week with crazy people!" he shook Tony by the shoulders. "Our dads falling asleep in weird places and letting death farts leak out. Your Aunt Peggy gathering intel by stalking the neighbors from the bushes! A week of Jarvis strutting through the house naked on his way to the hot tub! _Crazy_!"

"Uh, you do know this is our family, right?"

"I think that gives me the right to call them crazy!"

 **"Hey Boss, I have to inform you that Clint and Natasha have arrived as well."**

 _POW!_

"Gaaaahhhh, son of a whooo-shit!" That little tidbit had him shooting a staple through his hand, "Fuckin shiiiit!"

He danced around the front yard, flapping his hand wildly before biting his tongue and holding it in front of his face. A three inch staple stared back at him. He bit back another scream.

T'Challa rubbed his forehead, "Oh Bast, it has started already. We are never going to survive this week. I must endure the torment of my father trying to subtly get me to return to Wakanda and Howard will be building bombs in the basement.."

"Rrrrrr.. What the hell Fri! Who invited Clint and Nat?" Tony asked.

 **"Sorry Boss, according to Mr. J, they are staying at Steves. But they are all travelling in the same shuttle to get here and Barton is, and I quote 'expectin a VIP treatment from you Tony'. And J asked me to warn you that Howard has laundry to do."**

"Mother of all things big and small, _I am not_ touching his crab covered clothes Tony!"

Tony fell to his knees in pain, "I'll burn his damn laundry just pull it out! It hurts!" he held his hand to his husband.

T'Challa grinned, "Now those are words I've never heard you say."

"Dad?"

"Yea, Pete?"

They were all sitting silently in the family room, waiting for the axe to fall. T'Challa had chewed the nails on one hand completely off and was working on the other, his foot tapping a nervous rhythm on the floor.

"Do I have to hug Grandpa? He always smells like booze and that porn shop down in Yonkers."

T'Challa stopped eating his fingers, "You're 16, how do you know what a porn shop smells like? Tony! Did you take him there?!" he looked at him angrily.

"What? No I didn't! Pete why are you going to a porn shop? You can buy perfectly good porno online!"

 _"Tony!"_

"What! It's true! That's where I got that big blue walrus thing you love to-"

 _"Tony!"_

"la la la la la...No, no you have children here! We don't wanna hear about your size kinks there Papa." Wade slumped in the sofa, "Can I just stay with Weasel, Grandpa Howard always steals my weed and last time he was here stole my unicorn bong."

T'Challa held up a mangled finger, "One- the walrus toy is not mine. It's your dads. Two-stop bringing drugs in the house!"

Wade rolled his eyes just as the doorbell rang.

 _Ding-dong_

They froze.

"Unina woothixo, isiphelo sisondele.." T'Challa paled.

"Would you stop! The end is not near. Come on kids, lets go greet every one." Tony said, hesturing for them to follow.

 _Diiiiing-Doooong_

"Tony, we can still run out the back. There is still a chance of survival." he backed up toward the kitchen.

 _Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnng-Dooooooooonnnnng_

"I don't want bugs on my dick dad." Peter cried.

"They better not fucking hug me.." Wade spat.

 _Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnng-Doooooooooooonnnnnnggggg_

"Well, here we go.." he pulled open the door.

It sounded like a pack of howler monkeys had escaped from the zoo. T'Chaka was arguing with Howard and trying to look into his luggage, spouting something about stolen vibranium. Shuri was trying to pull them apart to no avail, most likely because she didn't want to touch Howard.

Jarvis must have been tasked with Howards dirty clothes, he was holding a duffel as far as he could manage in front of him. Peggy and Natasha were in an argument over who's spy skills were better. Natasha had a dagger in her hand while Pegs had somehow got a hold of a machete.

How the hell did that make it through the airport..

Clint was oblivious to the whole damn thing. He must have turned his hearing aids off and appeared to be sleeping while standing.

T'Challa pulled at him, "Quick, close it and run."

Tony swatted him away, he smiled happily. " Guys! Guys! Merry Christmas!"

It caught their attention. Seven sets of eyes turned in unison at them. Followed by seven slightly creepy smiles.

"Dad..Dad I'm scared.." Wade cried.

"Why are they looking at us like that?" Peter asked.

"Kids, be ready to run.." T'Challa stated.

They all crowded in at once, the noise level chaotic. Bags were thrust upon them, coats thrown to the floor. Hugs and kisses were given. The kids received sloppy kisses and made horrible faces. Howard managed to plant a kiss on T'Challa and pulled him into a tight hug, then grabbed his laundry bag from Jarvis to deposit in his arms.

His eyes bore into Tony's making it clear he would pay for this..

Natasha hugged Tony, "Make up with Steve or I will kill you." Then she disappeared.

As soon as it started, it swiftly ended, Tony and T'Challa left alone in the entrance. T'Challa shut the door.

"See, it's not so bad.." Tony muttered..

"Do not say that.."

A crash came from the kitchen, " _where is Clinton?"_ Peggy called.

Tony looked through the curtain, Clint still standing on the porch snoring.

"You just wanna leave him there til Nat figures it out?"

"Good idea.." T'Challa replied.


End file.
